Untitled.

I don't know why I don't sleep. I slept fine in Abilene where I could pretend that things were different. I feel a little helpless, like I might be drowning. Of course drowning sans water just makes you crazy I suppose. I need to feel better, I just don't know when that's going to happen. So few people understand what I'm going through that it makes it hard to face people at work or school. They think I'm lying or weak, which I might be, but I can't help it. Who would choose to feel like the whole world is weighing down on you from all sides and there's no way to escape. I have no situational reason to feel this way. I have an amazing family and a boyfriend who has exceeded my expectations for what a human being can be. Why then? I don't know. The doctor says I have a chemical imbalance. People tell me it's all in my head. If I could just "turn off" these feelings don't you think I would? I hate feeling like a nut case. I've missed a ton of work, so money is tighter than ever (which makes my anxiety even worse.) I feel overwhelmed about nearly every aspect of my life... I want to time travel to the future when I feel better and life doesn't seem like such a chore. I know I will feel better eventually, but in the meantime I feel misunderstood and trapped. Praying hasn't helped so far, but that doesn't mean I should give up on the whole institution of prayer. Evidently this is a trial that the Lord is putting me through for a reason. When I will find out the purpose of this adversity remains a mystery. Now I'm stressed out because I haven't slept which compels me to call in to work, which causes me anxiety because I have called in frequently (with doctor's notes) but it nonetheless makes me feel like a worthless human being. Then again I've always believed that people can only do their best and that some people's best seems less than best to others. Just because other people don't understand how I feel doesn't mean that it's not real or valid. I can't make people understand or show compassion, that is for them to find within themselves. Some people would rather not try, but I suppose that is their issue. One thing I know I am is empathetic to the pain and feelings of others. I feel like I should have earned some good karma somewhere along the way, but believing in karma is probably silly.

the most important list until Christmas...

all the lists are out there... which celebritity would you cheat on your spouse with, yada yada. but there is a category that has been largely ignored.

What female celebrities would straight women do but for some reason won't admit to?

If you say you don't think other women are hot occasionally, your lying. If you've done it with someone not on this list then you're probably just a lesbian.

The 10 women celebrities that most women would have sex with but won't admit to:
10. Alicia Keys- she seems really sensitive and thoughtful-she would probably be a very intuitive lover
9. The lead singer of Pussycat Dolls- that one is pretty obvious, she has a hot body
8. Sandra Bullock- she would make you laugh, and probably call you in the morning
7. Diane Lane- She seems like a real woman, no smoke and mirrors, very real
6. Britney Spears- even when she was bald, she was hot. Besides she would definitely NOT call you, which is probably a really good thing
5. Jenny Lewis- this one may be strictly personal
4. Katie Holmes- she should probably just be a lesbian, maybe Crazy would back off then
3. Cynthia Nixon (Miranda from Sex and the City)- she looks like a man anyway so it wouldn't be too far of a stretch anyway
2. Jessica Alba- duh
1. Oprah- before you react, think about the money. Maybe it's wrong, but it could be right... for the right price, of course.

things I wonder

do people besides me stay up at night wondering where Abraham Lincoln was from?
I mean I've heard all that log cabin nonsense, but that's not really specific. And Lincoln, Nebraska, what about that?
Turns out he's from Kentucky. Seems like they could name a measly city after him, or at least a truck stop. People from Kentucky must be racist. (Note: I don't know anyone from Kentucky nor can I pass judgment on them.) But really, they probably are.

Why is cutting your hair like losing a limb? Why is there a B in limb? It's the stupid French, and all their ridiculous silent letters. (Note: I feel totally at liberty to pass judgment on the French because without knowing any I know they are silly people.) Wouldn't it be awful in it actually was like losing a limb? Also, apparently wouldn't is not a word. It is where I'm from. We also end our sentences in prepositions.

Why do we spend so much time in grade school learning how to spell when the computer will just do it for us? My favorite thing is when it automatically fixes the word for me. That way I don't have to be able to correctly spell anything, just be in the general ballpark. Will spellchecker be the end of spelling bees? Oh so spellchecker is word but wouldn't isn't? Neither is isn't. Firefox should embrace contractions.

Will anyone read this? This is actually the most relevant question I've asked so far. I know that everything I say is worth reading, but will anyone be lucky enough to stumble upon this goldmine of knowledge and insight? I mean I know I'm probably the funniest/smartest/sexiest person I know but how do I spread the word to those who believe they are funnier/smarter/sexier than me?

If there is a legal pad... is there an illegal pad?

Why are there so many ways to spell there/their/they're? No wonder most Americans talk like the English language being put through a meat grinder.