Untitled.

I don't know why I don't sleep. I slept fine in Abilene where I could pretend that things were different. I feel a little helpless, like I might be drowning. Of course drowning sans water just makes you crazy I suppose. I need to feel better, I just don't know when that's going to happen. So few people understand what I'm going through that it makes it hard to face people at work or school. They think I'm lying or weak, which I might be, but I can't help it. Who would choose to feel like the whole world is weighing down on you from all sides and there's no way to escape. I have no situational reason to feel this way. I have an amazing family and a boyfriend who has exceeded my expectations for what a human being can be. Why then? I don't know. The doctor says I have a chemical imbalance. People tell me it's all in my head. If I could just "turn off" these feelings don't you think I would? I hate feeling like a nut case. I've missed a ton of work, so money is tighter than ever (which makes my anxiety even worse.) I feel overwhelmed about nearly every aspect of my life... I want to time travel to the future when I feel better and life doesn't seem like such a chore. I know I will feel better eventually, but in the meantime I feel misunderstood and trapped. Praying hasn't helped so far, but that doesn't mean I should give up on the whole institution of prayer. Evidently this is a trial that the Lord is putting me through for a reason. When I will find out the purpose of this adversity remains a mystery. Now I'm stressed out because I haven't slept which compels me to call in to work, which causes me anxiety because I have called in frequently (with doctor's notes) but it nonetheless makes me feel like a worthless human being. Then again I've always believed that people can only do their best and that some people's best seems less than best to others. Just because other people don't understand how I feel doesn't mean that it's not real or valid. I can't make people understand or show compassion, that is for them to find within themselves. Some people would rather not try, but I suppose that is their issue. One thing I know I am is empathetic to the pain and feelings of others. I feel like I should have earned some good karma somewhere along the way, but believing in karma is probably silly.